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Red Knuckles Agianst the Door
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Death Calls to me's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
6:04 pm
3. The Impact Of Reason

Prop open the door I can actually see my breath tonight
But that doesn't mean I'm breathing
Crack a smile just for the sake of it
This could take a while
A long while

Silence is golden especially in this case

I'm not too sure that I want it to be this way
Open mouth closed eyes
No words are escaping

It's all a blur
It's too dark to see
Ain't it pretty the way it all streaks together at night
Together at night

I think its time to turn around
I really want to go home tonight
I think its time to turn around
I really want to go home tonight

I feel like this is going nowhere
I feel like this is going nowhere
Try to think of something quick
And trust the direction of the driver

No lights
No signs
I'm at a loss for words
No lights
No signs
I'm at a loss for words

Now conversation sparks
What an easy way to break the ice
Now conversation sparks
What an easy way to break the ice

Friday, April 1st, 2005
9:01 am
Dreams are the best
Everyone is happy
they kinda flow, you dont control them
but it can almost never be a bad one

The only catch, things happen in dreams that you know are not possible.
And that sucks
but at least you had that feeling, and moment happen in your mind.
Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
10:15 pm
One scene
From one movie
Made me feel the worst i have in the longest time, if not ever.

At each passing scene, I can tell you who i am, who is portraying me
Most of the time, i'd have to switch between the two people in the scene,
because everything that the two people are going through, has been done.
7:35 am
Last night was filled with dreams of you
When i awoke, finding reality, i thrashed about, hating the truth
hating the lonelyness

i can now look forward to sleep
not only to take me away from all the feelings of unhappyness
but to be reunited with my pumpkin
last night i held her hand
I kissed her
I held her close to me

if those dreams come back every night
I think it will be ok
Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
8:51 pm
When will this end
nothing drives away these feelings

I had em beat for a day and a half, they came back while at the license branch

nothing happense when i hit things, no pain comes, no emotion leaves.
i look at myself, and say no.

How much longer can i last
8:31 pm

I dont know how much longer i can last.

 

6. It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door

I've been up at this all night long
I've been drowning in my sleep
I've prayed for your safe place
And its time for us to leave

Time is running, its running on empty and the gas is running out
I've decided that tonight is the night
That I let love aside
Full speed ahead this seems to be the place
I've seen this once before
Planned perfection sought in my dreams
Hoping this would take you home

My knuckles have turned to white
There's no turning back tonight
So kiss me one last time

Around this turn where the cross will cast your shadow
The people will all gather
To remember such a day
Where the flames grew as high as trees
And the world stopped for you and me

My knuckles have turned to white
There's no turning back tonight
Kiss me one last time
(Shut your eyes)
My knuckles have turned to white
There's no turning back tonight
(so hold on tight)
Kiss me one last time
(Shut your eyes)

I will now bring new meaning to the word alone
Endless nights of dreaming of life
And the days we should have spent here

Drowning in my sleep I'm drowning in my sleep
Drowning in my sleep I'm drowning in my sleep

Glass shatters and comes to a halt
I thought we'd be there by now
I thought it would be so much quicker than this

Pain has never been so brilliant
I made sure you were buckled in
Now you can walk hand in hand with him
Hand in hand with him

My knuckles have turned to white
There's no turning back tonight
Kiss me one last time
(Shut your eyes)
My knuckles have turned to white
There's no turning back tonight
(so hold on tight)
Kiss me one last time
(Shut your...)



Current Mood: shit
9:31 am
2. A Boy Brushed Red.... Living In Black And White

Can you feel your heartbeat racing?
Can you taste the fear in her sweat?
You've done this wrong
It's too far gone
These sheets tell of regret
I admit that I'm just a fool for you
I am just a fool for you

Here is where we both feel wrong
Tonight's your last chance to
Do exactly what you want to
And this could be my night
This is what makes me feel alive
Makes you feel alive
Here is where we both go wrong
So tie me up
And toss this key
'Cause for now we're
Living in this moment
And we both ignore the truth
Its all over
Its all over

I feel your heart against mine
So take a breath and close your eyes

[chorus]
Your lungs have failed and they both stopped breathing
My heart is dead and its way past beating
Something has gone terribly wrong
I'm scared, you're scared, we're scared of this
I never thought we'd make it out alive
I never told you but its all in your goodbyes
It's all in your goodbyes

Well look who's dying now
Slit wristless sleeping with the girl next door
I always knew you were such a sucker for that
It doesnt matter what you say
You never mattered anyway
Never mattered anyway

In this moment that we both ignore the truth
It's all over
It's all over
I feel your heart against mine
So take a breath and close your eyes

[chorus]

Don't shake, i hate to see you tremble
Trembling you've lost your touch
Haven't you run so addicted

[chorus]

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
11:11 am
Emptied anything I have into comments on your journal.
Staying home is worse than going to school.
I have something to half-assed distract me away from the thoughts of you, and i cant say this stuff anymore. I dont know if it bothers you, but it really bothers me.
I'll stop.
Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
3:44 pm
and if you want to, there are two entries from the weekend that i wrote to tony, they're public now.
This is how i know you dont care.
If i hadnt told someone, not even a promise, that i would'nt hurt myself, it would be happening.
Monday, March 21st, 2005
10:16 pm
Here Kayleen
This is all i wanted to say tonight, but I could'nt

Wanna guess how many there are?
I look like a fucking torture victim
I told tony sunday afternoon i'd stop, and i have
But i added more after that, that night, sunday night.
And now I have stopped.

You think I dont want to stay home everyday, lay in bed
not wanting to get up, afraid of what I'll do
peel off the shirt that i never wore to bed before
look at myself, and say "Maybe if I make 10 more, just 10, she'll care, or hell, even love me"
Yeah, i think about that alot, and thats what goes through my head

after you called the first time tonight,
btw, I was having a great fucking time with tony before you called, I'm sure you were having the same with Nick all day today
after you called, I did want to hurt myself, but i promised tony so i'm not.
And then all you wanted to do was fight, you even told me "you could fight back"
I dont want to fight back, hahaha, I dont want to hurt you
You fucking see that? I DONT WANT TO HURT YOU
Why do i think that?

Thats all you want to do with me is fight

And you know, i didnt want to beleive it until I heard myself tell you tonight
you dont care
I dont think you ever have, you've just been passing the time
until chris got home agian, and then you could get rid of me and move on

Your mom asked me if the reason i called her was because i loved you.... You think i wanted to answer that? Of course i did, but, think about that fucking question, about all she doesnt know, and she still asked it.

And no, you havent ever felt this way,
Like Tony, you may have felt a shred of this, something close to ONE of the things that has happened to me has happened to you. But nothing like this.

You cut yourself, or have, because you cant deal with the feelings
I have Cut myself to make feelings, to make you have feelings,
And now I know, thats the only way I will be able to make you care.

"If its between you staying safe, and her caring, I pick you staying safe Jesse" Direct quote from tony.

I love you kayleen, and obviously you hate me, so lets leave it there. I've done nothing to you and you hate me, lets leave it there.

Current Mood: Itchy, red, Sleepless
Sunday, March 20th, 2005
9:14 pm
..........
..........
..........

I'm lost in nothing
thinking of everything
and living in darkness
embracing it, with a lowered head
Saturday, March 19th, 2005
3:15 pm
Haha tony, i finally told myself it
I cant even say I love you to her
and it made me start crying for a few seconds
Its not what she wants to hear
so i wont say it
I almost did in a text message
stopped myself
and that fucking hurt
i cant even send it in a text message

She only cares in school it seems
damn, i dont think she even cares there
its like just as long as i look ok, then she has no problems

This is why I said you have everything tony
you do have everything you want, except for the things that were just stolen
and you have someone that you have no fear with, no questions
Someone who understands the phrase, I Love You
12:31 am
The hardest thing to do is not be able to tell someone you love them
Knowing if you do, there will be no change in what is
I always feel like i should blame myself
As if i made her be able to say "I did love you"
It hurts to think of what could be right now, what should be
I dont even know if i could be happy, if everything returned
I cant see anyone else, I dont want to see anyone else
I havent looked around for so long, its natural to not care
not notice the other people in the school

If you would've waited 5 more seconds tony, before 10th, you would've seen me, and i would've gone with you to class. Instead i went to her locker. Watched her get her stuff, and had a weak-ass hug. One of her friends needed her to go to her locker, so they could go to class together. She went the same way as me, but a little ahead, a little faster. I didnt understand how watching her walk away was painful. 3 feet in front of me.
And then she slowed down, turned a bit, and grabbed my arm, slid her hand down to mine and we held hands as she kinda drug me to the locker. My mind got happy, somehow. I became internaly happy. And it wasnt just me holding, she held back, it sounds stupid to explain. She messed with my hand.
After waiting for ashley to get her stuff, my pumpkin asked me if i was leaving, kinda shook yeah, and she hugged me. The sound of her voice is always, "Your leaving?" as if i should never. And I never should. I could skip every class just to be in hers.
All of her friends think we are good together, they see us together in school and are just it looks right to them. Like it should be. None of those people know whats happened. And thats what is bad. We just look like a couple, and we both just look depressed.
The huge hug before she went into lunch would'nt have ended, lest a friend of hers walked to the door.
Stood in the hallway for a couple minutes, her moving her head around, resting on me, touching her lips to my neck, lightly scratching my back. No signs of letting go. No loose grip. She wasnt letting go, the moment was there, and a friend broke it.
But i think all this is because of what I have done. I get attention from her for it, and i hate that its the only way she gives it. I'm not going to do this for attention. I havent, and i wont.

So, cockface, are you gonna give me that punching bag?

Nothing can ever just go right for me

Current Mood: Sitting on the roof
Friday, March 18th, 2005
5:04 pm
I want to softly say it unto your ear
yell it every morning hoping you hear
Marker it all over having no fear
see you in that goddamn mirror
I want to show this but i do fear
that I Love You, isnt what you want to hear.
Thursday, March 17th, 2005
5:05 pm
68 different times, i have hurt myself for you
74 if you count my knuckles, 3 of old, 3 of new

You can read the pain, in the white marks where my fists have collided with that hallway door.
With the t-shirt sleeve i used to keep going, even when my hand was bleeding.
In the subtle way my clothes make me itch.
How i carry a knife not only to pop balloons of tony.

68 different times i have hurt myself for you, so you dont have to anymore.
Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
3:33 pm
I hurt myself for you
7:10 am

I had a dream last night, that you, kayleen, for valentines day next year, enrolled me into a help center.

"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
3:29 pm
The worst that can happen will.
God, it keeps fulfilling itself.
Kinda sorry i said it. Because its now like Thats all there is for me.
Gonna try agian and agian to use that sliver of metal, but i dont think i will ever go through, and that sucks.

Damn. Nows the time to try and,
you got defensive, so i just didnt wanna be nice.
Friday, March 11th, 2005
7:32 pm

Everything can trigger me crying. I'm not sick of it because at least I have some other feeling when it happens. Whenever someone asks me how I am, or how life is, ect. i either get angry or really depressed. And then I just might. Tim asked me, "Hows life treating you?" ::Long silence:: "Not too good" "That took a long time" "Thats because I almost started crying when you said that"

 

"Your Sweet Six Six Six"

There are things you should know
The distance between us seems to grow
But you're holding on strong
Oh how hard it's to let go, oh so hard to let go

I'm waiting for your call and I'm ready to take your
six six six in my heart
I'm longing for your touch and I welcome your sweet
six six six in my heart

I'm losing my faith in you
You don't want it to be true
But there's nothing you can do
There's nothing you can do - Yes, I've lost my faith in
you

I'm waiting for your call and I'm ready to take your
six six six in my heart
I'm longing for your touch and I welcome your sweet
six six six in my heart

How long we have to wait
For love is fading so slowly
I know it's too late
Oh my god you're so lonely

I'm waiting for your call and I'm ready to take your
six six six in my heart
I'm longing for your touch and I welcome your sweet
six six six in my heart
I'm ready for your call and I'm ready to take your six
six six in my heart
I'm longing for your touch and I welcome your sweet
six six six in my heart
In my heart
In my heart
In my heart

Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
6:44 am
You know whats great?
Waking up in the morning and needing someone there next to you to grab and hold onto like its life-or-death

And then you think about it, and your mind knows you cant do that
But, of course, that thought gets thrown out the window and its back to the feeling
Feelings of needing something you cant have
Wont have
Wont accept.
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